i'm happy.. haha. not really. but i guess its juz dis joy in me. hehe. remember. e joy of e Lord! heh. even though i'm still confused over e church issue. oh well. hehe.. anw.. today went to zf.. it was ok lar.. rather confused over e sermon. but anw. it made sense still. heh.. went to joy n grace's hse aft dat wif dawn carol n marcus.. dawn n carol got der ball dresses! hehe.

anw.. sch starting again. so fast. i seem to ahve like tonnes of undone work.. and chem exam coming up. argh!

i'm so unworthy. so unworthy of God's love and grace and mercy..

hmm.. today was a busy day.. started off wif koorong wif dawn.. which was quite ok lar.. managed to buy alot of stuff.. so i'm like happy. heh.. den aft dat walked ard city while waiting for e time to be up.. heh..quite fun..

after that was river cruise.. it was quite fun lar.. cause we din manage to get 2 boats, so it was super packed. yupyup..but it was fun lar.. skit, games, food.. heh.. n most importantly, fellowship!! hehe..

after that, i walked from barrack street jetty all the way to the east end of hay street.. it was a super long walk.. heh.. but i reached dere faster than dawn n carol who were walkin frm city. heh..kk dat doesn't make a diff. but yar was super tired after that.. hmmm did play a little pool today. n it was terrible.. oh man. i sure do miss julianna's coaching and all.. argh!!!still remember the first time i picked up pool.. so cool.. argh!! hehe.. i miss home! heh. anw. went for dinner at taka *finally* after pool.. n den went b ack to the hse. had one of the most interesting talks i reckon.. hmm.. hehe...

anyway, its rather confusing today too.. a little lar.. its like what u think of yourself is one opinion, while what people think of you is another.. and sometmes, u juz dunno who to believe.. like on friday, i mentioned i need patience, and today i was told that i ahve loads of patience. it just contradicts. heh.. i dunno lar.. juz feel so unworthy now.. hmmm...

hmm... haven't updated dis blog for like 5 days already.. been busy [watching dvds] ok. not that bad. a little only.. i needa snap back in to the [study mode].. been very slack for this week.. 2 days i took the 0830 bus. one day cause i wasnt well. e other, i was pure lazy.. and guess wad. was late.. both times. wif steph n ivon.. n dats bad.. muz muz muz get back to the usual routine... argh. kzkz.. soon.. i will..

umet on wednesday. diasater. was [bad]. got an iset coming up..

hmm.. have been [forced] *sort of* to the ball.. dad n mum rushing my dress over. hrmph..

eunice is happy!!!!!! hehe.. confused, but happy!!! least happy enough that my nic sounds happier too. heh.. anyway.. i'm still confused over churches and all. and over certain things that haf been happening and are still happening. but.. i juz feel happy. heh. as in despite all these "problems", i'm still smiling and all. heh.. aiya. eunice is juz happy lar..

anyway. sch starting tmr. sigh.. i havent packed my bag, my room etc.. argh!! heh.. n math exam back tmr.. *scared*

sigh. what on earth is wrong wif me.. i'm becoming so bitchy.. ok.. not in that sense. but yar. it is rather irritating. but its juz so frustrating to see and feel the fakeness in ppl.. i wld rather juz keep to myself n only tok when dere is a need to. hmm. i feel so secondary sch like.. talking abt fakeness. den again, it is everywhere in this world. u can't escape from it.. i'm getting rather sick at smiling at everything. Lord, give me the patience, the perseverance, the courage and strength..

hmm.. oh man.. i've spent my whole nite doing the online test. heh.. hope all goes well.. hmm..

today was a rather slack day.. went to murdoch uni in e morning to give out fliers for river cruise. heh.. met quite alot of the freshies that went for the dinner last nite.. heh.. so it was quite good. oh yes. met tash n her frenz too. heh.. den aft dat aft lunch, went to sch to do some math wif milenda while steph mug for econs.. not too bad lar. quite frutiful. but i desperately need help.. rahter worried abt e math exam on friday. i muz get a good score.. hrmph..

oh yes. b4 i forget.. happy birthday bert! hehe.. hope e stuff got to u in time man..

*eunice needs a tight slap to wake her up. anyone wants the honour of doing so?*

^"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galations 5:22-23

thats something i lack badly today.. i highlighted those in green that i lacked today.. n its like EVERYTHING!!! was ok at first. den aft e consistent teasing. especially when its done only when a particular person is there.. wah.. i tell u ar. its crazy lar. kzkz muz remind myself. as long as other ppl find joy or its fun for em, its ok. *learn from shaun.. hehe* oh well.. yes yes. patience is what i need now.. bleah.. oh well.. wad can i do man..

steph asked me the same qn again. pls dun tell me it seriously looks so.. cause if it is. den i muz "control" myself and drift away. dun like such things.. seriously. i dun like such things lar.. i'll get super irritated.. oh well.. one is like settled already. e other one.. some ppl mentioned b4. so i muz muz muz go change it.. sigh..

hmm.. i'm feeling slightly better. guess cause like one big grp of frenz. i cant show anything funny rite. hehe.. but yar. much better now.. still need to sort things out.. but least its better lar..

dinner tonight wif e freshies.. hehe.. den mayb tmr gg down to murdoch uni to help out wif some stuff.. hmm.. time flies.. sigh.. so fast lar.. 2nd week of hols already..

hmm.. first time in my life i actually din feel like gonig to church. and i din go. mind was in a whirl. subconcious mind oso in a mess. if i had went, wld i haf felt better? i doubt so.. so took jess's advice. take a day off n rest..not that i din like it, but its juz a subconcious thing thats burdening me. though i'm really sorry to miss the praise n worship.. sigh.. me shall go pray n see what comes out of it. took like 2 hrs to decide to go or not. it felt rather terrible. i din haf a good sleep too. sigh.. n had to trouble irwin to come get karyn's present too *sorry*... sigh.. whats wrong with me? i can sense sth is wrong. but i dunno what. hrmph.. 2 others called too. one frm each church. sigh. i dunno lar..

hmm i wish i wish. i wish i didn't feel such burdens. how carefree life would be. and sometimes, its e timing that such problems comes.. hmm. mayb i'm over sensitive. mayb i'm going crazy.. i dunno..

i realise what i need. i need a phone line! hehe. did i mention? jon juz enlightened me yesterday dat i haf a phone line in my room. so.. we shall activate it! hehe.. den i can tok to ppl back hme.. n mayb i'll juz find someone who can hear tehse worries out. mayb i juz need to say n talk it out. but dere aint no one in perth. even if dere is, i'll prob b worrying for e person.. afew ppl liao.. hmm.. sigh.. oh well..

the most ironic thing is that cell yest juz toked abt worrying. i feel that i'm drowning. and yet i cant relax. how? okok.. i shall clear dis first. i'm not worrying about planning the dinner on monday! ok. its all about other stuff.. hmm..

oh yes. got a good idea. mayb i shld juz withdraw myself frm e grp of frenz. den dere wld b no trouble.. hmm. mayb i shld yar? shall go consider it. hmm..

hmm.. juz came back from dinner.. had dinner wif dawn,marcus,karyn and ivon.. yup.. suppose to b marcus n ivon only den dawn n karyn joined us after they shopped.. yup.. den went northbridge for dinner.. hmm.. was quite ok lar.. my mind was juz in a mess after dinner. dunno why. so suddenly become so quiet.. heh.. *sorry* had bio lessons today. was super sleepy.. kept falling asleep.. heh.. den had chem test. n aft dat went for lunch.. oh yesh. played pool today! at marcus's hse.. yupyup. but i suck at it..

yest.. went to sch for phy.. den aft dat went to dawn's hse. had bbq. sadly, it rained aft like half n hr when we started bbq-ing. so went back to her hse.. was quite fun. seirously. as in i like serving others n all.. and cleaning up.. was very fun. seirously.. i miss planning for such things!! hmm. mayb shall plan one for e april intake?!? *smile smile* and kw. remember u said u wld plan ar.. lets see if u really do sth. hehe...

hmmm.. my subconcious mind has been so busy. not that i know what i'm thinking, but i can feel it. it is very tiring.. oh well.. what can i say.. in e sch lib now. showed milenda some stuff juz now so decided to put a post first. watched bewitched today wif emma n ivon. it was ok... den had lunch n came to sch to do some math.. yup yup.. dis hols is juz so busy. so many things to do.. muz study!!! hehe.. okok off to continue my mugging session

[added 2150] hmm.. back again. i'm so tired of searching through 12 820 photos for my english project. it still feels very biology cause all e terms i'm getting are that of biology. bleah.

had a nice talk with milenda juz now. good practice for my chinese.. heh.. n oso good talking session lar.. managed to like understand some ppl more n all.. n hear her opinion n all.. it feels good to be honest n sharing. heh..

guess wad. i forgot to return my library book. for nearly a mth. n e fine is $1 per day. imagine how much i hafta pay. bleah.. gotta settle e bill tmr! argh!..

hmm.. i wonder who reads dis blog.. ya lar its public.. den again, heh juz wondering.. hehe..

hmm yest nite n dis afternoon had 2 very amusing convo.. one wif dawn one wif steph.. i tell u. i still trying to recover from it. it was so crazy lar.. kzkz it had better stop. if not, i wld. n i dun wanna do so.. if not i'll shirnk into my shell again.. either dat or another amusing convo wld come up.. oh well.. heh..

hmm.. found out i was suppose to lead worship dis fri. but thank goodness somehow or other, it was changed to jon.. heh.. k lar.. not dat its bad to do so.. but yar.. hmm.. heh..

goodness. .i juz realise i start each para wif "hmm" heh. habit already.. tmr watching movie wif ivon. den its shopping at kuroong wif steph wong n andy plus a lunch.. sigh.. andy so fast gg back to thailand for good.. so sad lor..

lead me where you want me to go. show me the way. lead me out of the wilderness oh Lord.

hmm decided to post dis too. tok to ivon n she found it amusing too. heh. anw.. aft church went for lunch wf e guy who was formerly frm e hmestay i'm in now. n another gal oso. eh. dat guy.. din haf a good relationship wif me hmestay. anw. ya he decided to go eat e fishnchips at kardinya. n amusing enough, i had fish n chips for dinner. FROM THE SAME PLACE.. heh.. if i had his msn i wld haf disturbed him abt having e same taste as em. but kzkz shall b nice.. heh.. can agar expect the reaction liao.. heh..

hmmm... i'm tired! heh.. abit lar at least. so much so for not taking afternoon naps..

today went to zion fellowship. a church up in joondalup.. yup.. hmm.. i guess i wld never know which one i am suppose to b in till i pray.. anw.. it was quite nice.. feels like pmc ym when dey were up in peace cove. kz not tat i was dere. but i can imagine. ya. juz tat dis is a mixture of adults youths n children. but ya. its so like dat.. guess i took an "agar-ration" from my sec 1 yrs n wad i heard frm e older ones.. it was good lar.. sermon was good too.. i MAY consider gg back dere for e nxt few weeks.. hmm.. dunno wad marcus told dawn. but ya.. least i noe dat if i go dere, dere wld b no trouble made. heh.. hmm.. i really dunno if i shld or not change.. i guess i haf diff opinions for diff churches.. hmm.. anw. e songs we sang today. oh man.. love it. its e kind we use to sing like before hillsongs n planetshakers were "introduced" big time in ym.. ok its not dat big but ya.. * n i haf nth against hillsongs n planetshakers* its juz another "agar-ration" yup yup..

school tmr.. e rest r on hols! e feb ppl haf either gone home or are gg down to mandura tmr.. i needa mug.. mug for chem math bio phy eng. ok dats everything. today needa do abit of eng. cause i wanna take tues off to go down to e bookshop n catch a movie wif ivon. n i oso haf a bbq *least i think i'm gg* on wednesday.. yup. so muz mug today n tmr. den tue n half of wed off.. hehe...

hmmm been out since morning n juz came back. spent e whole day at yirang's place.. eh.. cook. den watch a bit of million dollar baby.. etc etc.. was quite a fun time lar.. oh well..kinda glad i'm more or less over it. kz not really. but in some sense.. not as touchy as before.. i still cant stand e reporters.. hrmph.

i suddenly miss singing hymns alot.. its like hillsongs n planetshakers nearly everyday is not very nice.. somehow hymns are soothing.. nice.. really miss it. kzkz if e hymns r sung nicely.. hehe.. yesterday aft cell was waiting for joey to send e rest of em back first. so steph andy jon n myself were sitting on the steps cause dere was a blackout in dat area.. den jon started singing all e hymns.. so nice.. kzkz someone frm choir wad.. but ya.. e fact is rite. putting away e way ppl sing it back home, hymns r actually very nice. n yet u see. each time pastor opens to the hymnal, wah... e groans from the youths are so audible.. heh.. but honestly, hymns are nice..

i suddenly miss singapore alot. esp my fav hang out for e first 3 mths aft sch at mj.. white sands. plus e kopitiam ard church.. kzkz.. its a good 5 mths b4 i'll b back.. woohoo!!!

whole week of sch.. sigh. i'm trying to get stephs n andy down to kuroong. least i remembered those ppl wanted to go down.. i wanna go down too. heh. wanna buy stuff.. cause dat day is e only free day of e week for me.. so wanna take a break. heh. other than tat, e other days r pack.. pack wif sch work.. sigh.. n lessons.. oh well.. yes yes.. this aint good...

sigh.. i've been weaving in n out of sanity today.. pity ppl like laura n marcus.. kena e most frm me.. esp laura who hasta follow me ard e whole day.. sorrie gal.. heh n marcus.. thx for the "chocholates that will make you happy" oh well.. i'm ok when i'm busy n talkin to other ppl n all.. once i'm given time to stone, i'm not. hmm.. today. i think it was either wendy siehee or elaine tat did e presentation on a person who nearly commited suicide. sigh..

oh well.. i juz realise tat not many ym ppl were affected by dis.. lets see.. only bert, stef n myself tat i noe of.. like shaun said, "i dunno him" sigh.. was toking to stef last nite abt it.. argh.. not nice.. nvm nvm.. shall go on.. anw. dis morning, a song came into my head "you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name" what striked me was e last part.. oh well..

crap.. stef juz tok 2 me.. found out e cause of death n all.. sigh.. n its so big. in e newspaper summore.. sigh...

why? why? why? why did it have to happen? he is very young and still has so many things in life waiting for him. i feel like marcus now. i'm repeating everything he said today for the english presentation. but its so true. his was within 1 week that it happened. mine was? 1 day? i duno.. as in *snap* and its gone.

i feel very bad. i feel bad about not taking the initiative. i feel bad about leaving him there. i feel bad not talking when i felt the slight nudge of God to do so. i feel bad over the fact that i had so many chances as an usher to do so, but never did. it is no more than a year ago. dear Lord, i'm so sorry. i know its all my fault. please forgive me.

i have no idea how i'm going to do my english presentation tmr.. "courage and endurance" what if i talk n den.. i break down.

dear Lord, i'm having a hard time reminding myself that all thigns happen for a purpose. help me Lord.

bio exam is over. but i'm still equally busy.. past few days has been good.. friday's cell was good. jon. u're a good preacher man.. heh.. n today went up north to some orchid place.. i dunno e name. but ya. juz went. was a little skeptical at first.. cause like i dunno e ppl n all.. ya.. but after awhile of getting to know u.. i'm quite comfortable wif dem now.. n ya overall it was great lar..

ehz.. hadta wake up rather early.. but it was ok. cause more or less e usual time.. den dawn came n fetch me ard 0750 den went up to her church. den up to e orchid.. was fun lar.. as in e activities. a very good break from studies i gues.. n got to know alot of ppl lar.. *ok for me its counted alot* hmmm... after that, aft sending vina back hme, marcus n myself went to city to meet fumiko n ivon.. yup. had dinner.. which was quite nice.. but its e same place again.. den again, e food is nice lar.. though marcus said it looked dodgy.. heh.. den aft tat sent fumiko home.. was suppose to go her hse n play pool n bball.. but ken n vincent asked her go movies so ivon marcus n myself ended at swan river.. goodness. it was freezing lar!!! sheesh.. like what the.. heh. we sat dere for like nearly an hour.. wah.. my hands n face n body were frozen by e time we went off.. anw.. sat dere n talked.. heh.. so nice.. as in like u noe.. do these kind of things.. not like go mackers or sth... den so noisy n all.. heh..

i'm rather confused.. mayb i need a break. a break away from that. a break to calm my heart down, to recollect my aims and goals, to help me to focus on the right things, not the many things.. oh Lord, help me..

i've found another role model. heh.. oh well.. its juz like here n dere n everywhere.. such a great encouragement.. juz tat i need constant reminder and all.. hmm oh well. what shld i do? i dun wanna do thigns for e wrong reasons.. it has happen so many times.. no, no more of those..