argh.. pray for me for direction please. thanx. oh well.. lifes been ok lar.. shld survive.. tmr got netball n field.. oh well..

oh yes. SCRCY GOT GOLD FOR EXCELLENT UNIT AWARD AND FOR COMMUNITY SERVICE AWARD!!! heh.. so happy.. our batch u noe!!! heh. yay.. woohoo.. i'm so happy for them..

oh well.. trust in the Lord wif all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight!!!

sigh.. life in srjc.. quite slack.. not too bad.. but muz start mugging soon lar..

*is this a test of how much i've put down?*

oh yes.. joined netball n discus as cca. haf 1 mth to go for trials n decide on one. oh well..

*parents want me to go overseas.. same situation.. apparently, they haf no confidence tat i'll do well in srjc.. so muz as well go overseas n do a double degree*

hb leavin for aust tmr to see e home stay place.. sad.. dun haf her company for like a week or so...

*teacher evelyn taked to dad n mum. say i go over better. oh well..*

ok.. i juz really hafta blog abt dis.. eh.. e only event tat i enjoyed in e srjc orientation.. eh.. e station games.. no i'm not gonna record abt e games, but of wad dis guy called ivan did.. anyway.. we were playing the usual scissors paper stone game across chairs.. like u noe u "bounce" on each chair till u meet e oponent.. ya.. den wad happened was tat dis guy tat is very enthu kept going, and den kept meeting a very enthu gal.. n when he met her, *due to her enthusiasm etc* his first reaction was to put his hands across his chest.. like how a gal wld protect herself.. yes.. n it was absolutely shocking.. i was laughing my head off.. he was so not like a guy can.. bleah.. can't imagine it lar.. sigh.. heh.. seems like he is e "larry" of dis grp.. juz not as "nice" as larry.. oh well.. okok.. shall end off here lar..

school.. was.. fine.. ok.. tmr gg to buy sch u.. oh well.. life has to go on doesnt it? oh well..

my life is in a mess.. complete mess.. i had everything planned out on how to study well n mjc.. no no. its not gonna b executed now. i'm gg on to srjc.. with all my plans ruined.. have to replan, reschedule.. everything has to be redone.

i nearly flooded srjc today.. thank goodness it didn't start. if not, it wont end. i haf loads to compare abt srjc n mjc.. but i think i had better not go into e details before i flood my house instead.. sigh..

why has God put me here? why has God put me in this situation? i don't know. really lost. mayb i'm starting to get a glimpse of why things happen.. have i really "engage" myself in it that the one of the ways to get me out of it is to change me from mjc to srjc? hmmm.. i wonder. i'm worried too.. oh well.. for the nxt 2 yrs or so, i think i'd b mugging all e way. dere is nth much to do in sr anyway. n i'm NOT gonna join in any major planning. cause srjc planning cannot make it.. sigh.. concentrate on God, studying, cca, church, Red Cross. full stop. thats all. sigh..

oh yes.. i forgot to put it down yesterday, but Rexx juz died.. *sobz* i don't want to imagine him bleeding to death.. sigh.. so many things in my life has gone wrong.. oh no..

is the situation really that bad now? i thought it was ok. but that is e only reason i can think of that i am being thrown into srjc.. irritating me..

argh!!! eunice.. STUDY STUDY STUDY!!! !!! !!! once A levels are done, u'd b free!!! (den again, who else wld b free? everyone else wld b studying den..) *goodness.. dis juz shows me how much councilling i need.. yes.. i think i need to undergo councilling.. argh!!!

ruined.

yes yes.. school is starting again tmr.. aft the long week end break. everyone hasn't been very good.. no no.. in fact, everyone has been bad.. persevere on ppl.. u'll b fine soon.. i see tonnes of ppl so upset n all.. oh well..

okok wad i said at e top so obviously includes myself as well.. today was pratically bad.. pls don't mistake dis as mood swing or sth. cause its not. its juz.. upset n worrie over stuff.. e only time tat i actually forgot my "troubles" was when i was preparing my materials for sg.. not exactly for sg, but along tat line, and while watching e movie.. oh yes.. watched miss congeniality 2 today.. was quite humorous.. heh.. oh well.. least it kept my mind off other stuff for 2 hrs..

i wonder if all of you are ok.. it doesn't seem so.. den u all wld say "i'm fine" but who on earth is a super hero to be ok over everything? no one. but of course.. wif God's help, everyone will be ok.. i'm giving myself.. eh.. lets see.. 2 weeks? no. put it as 1 week to settle stuff, get over stuff etc.. n start studying!!! heh.. i still haf no idea how i'm gg to do my studying in srjc.. as in like stay back n study n stuff.. can't study at home.. oh well.. we shall see..

*when will you all grow up? you know that i care for all of you. if not, i won't bother. but why do i seem to keep on worrying about all of you? maybe its my problem. mayb the problem lies with me? i dunno now. *confused* *

sigh. this life of mine is really like a roller coaster. it goes up, and down, and up, and down. and the thing is that u'd never know when the next turn is.

i'm worrying about you. yes YOU. just as i pull away, i am made to draw back by something. then i worry, and suddenly, i get some "comfort" that you know what you're doing and am not doing something silly or on the impulse, then some how, thoughts pull me down again, making me worry all over again.

i'm sick n tired of these kind of games. i really am. i just wish that my life wld b more stable. less worries etc. i long to use you as a role model, but fear doing so. i push you on at the expense of myself, and i get more confused. this has to stop.. i have to learn how to lift this into God's hands and let him do the work. there is only so much that i can do. but there is so much that i want to do. i really don't know what to think or what to let my brain think. i am worried, i am not thinking, and this is bad. sigh.. mayb one day soon, i'll clear it wif u.. i have to. in order to put things down. i want and need to put things down and get on wif this life of mine. but. i'm very sure that i will still be worrying about this... oh well.. why is life so confusing, complicating, misleading etc.. oh well.. Lord, guide me.

its always you. or is it my problem? i was so happy when i heard that you were leaving, but why did you decide to stay? sigh.. no no. shall be nice.. believer music juz sent sth.. colossians 2 :2-3.. sigh..

argh.. yes yes. u're upset over my results.. ever thought that i'm more upset than you are? goodness.. still claim you understand me.. all fake. scram. i really wish i can juz leave dis place..

sigh.. i've gone through like 6 "emotional rides" today.. sigh.. no no.. i'm slightly better now.. bleah. irritating..

i've got NO motivation to study.. argh.. irritating rite? bleah.. irritating.. no mood to do anything wif dis sch.. argh.. hope i get into another jc man.

argh.. SRJC sux.. if i really have to go dere for the next 2 years... i'll b screwed.. argh.. irritating.. srjc is nothing compard to mjc.. tmr i haf choir auditions.. sigh.. discus was suppose to have tryouts, but cause i wasn't in e team for first 3 mths, so can't.. bleah.. tot can try discus.. sigh.. tmr 11am.. choir!!! hope i get in.. srjc really is disgusitng.. if i dun get into mj.. n have to stay in sr, dunno if i shld attempt going overseas..bleah.. disgusting..

argh.. i feel so out of placed.. everyday, i use to go to school, meet castor 3.. sit wif 05S224.. now.. i'm gg wif sc ppl.. its very different, and i miss mjc environment terribly already.. argh.. emily, peilin, kelly, caroline, all guys n gals in 05S224.. i'll miss u all like crazy man.. argh.. i can't stand it.. u noe e song from planetshakers new album "always and forever".. i can relate to the part "and when my world is falling down..." after that, everything stops.. nth after that can i relate to.. sch is falling apart.. RELATIONSHIPS will HAVE to FALL APART, not that i want it.. but it must happen. if not, i'll b hindered here. bleah. oh well.. whats wrong with me? i wish i have keyboard lessons everyday.. how nice tat wld b.. so soothing n all.. dun even noe if i can rush for e last lesson or not.. bleah.. i'm not looking forward to sr.. i miss my frenz too much.. 1430 tmr.. mayb i'll rush back straight. honestly not looking forward to it dere.. i keep thinking of emily.. of peilin.. of castor 3.. of my class.. argh!!! dis is irritating me.. sometimes i juz wish i wont b so ill-fated.. bleah. "let the weak say.. (i give up)". don't tell me that word now.. for i'm the total opposite.. argh..

argh.. screwed up life man.. u agree? yes yes? see wad i did these whole afternoon.. sleep n stone. argh.. ok i think i hafta stop argh.. all i noe is my life is screwed now lar.. bleah.. depression? unhappy? whatever u htink it is lar.. bleah. irritating.

sigh.. great great. juz great.. juz listened to e cd tat my mum asked me to buy.. made me even more sure of myself, which is bad. make me want to leave the problem as it is cause it is becoming a fact. sigh.. nvm. den again, they juz said another point that it endures.. so i shall bepatient? yes.. i shall.. sigh..

don't use the word "strong" cause i'm e direct opposite now.. sigh.. yesyes.. a strong front is wad i need when i go out now.. sigh.. in srjc. not tat its bad, but in mj forl ike 3 mths, i like it dere. like my class, my og.. everything.. laoshi was so nice. she tell me don't think/worry too much.. heh.. tmr gg to sr.. thursday.. prob go for auditions for choir. if i get in again, den i'll b back in mj!!! heh.. i hope so.. bleah.. dun even noe to go for auditions or not. i in no mood to do naything. suppose to b wif my class to play pool at downtown. but no mood lar.. sigh..

argh great. now i hafta change keyboard classes. for e reason that i apparently forgot to press e "submit" button, and now my original class is full.. argh! nvm.. hope i can make the best of it.. love my class cause they're speed is reasonably fast.. heh.. but most importanly too is that bernice muz teach.. cause she is a very good coach i muz say...

khoo yu juz called. asked me to go for vip. i wanna go.. i hope i can find the time. but everything clashes.. camp clashes wif e interim shift, contact session 1 clashes wif 17-up retreat, contact session 2 clashes wif youth camp, contact session 3.. dunno if parents r gg for hol. if htey are, den it'll clash wif hols.. argh.. irritating.. i wanna go for vip.. n go back to sc!!! heh.. i was telling jess.. if i din say i wanna go back to sc, n they post u according to where u r schooling n if i am still in mj.. wah... if i get siglap or coral, wld juz die man... thank goodness mrs mao said "you must come back ar eunice.. " haha.. yesyes.. so i shall go back to sc!!! ok.. tats if i do go for vip in the first place..

posting out tmr. think i wont get into mj.. gonna appeal early in e morning.. sigh..

hmm.. past few days has been good.. learnt alot i muz say.. in very different ways.. oh well.. alot for me to do too.. like i shared wif e ym com, i realised things that i have to sort out, and all.. u noe revealed to me, and even though it seems nth much to me now, but the severety of it was evident to me during e conference.. so.. i shall attempt to do sth abt it.. but its very difficult.. sigh.. nvm nvm..

shoots.. argh.. when i try to put it down, things comes up.. nite n day.. thoughts wont stop pestering me. i wish i cld juz disappear to dunno where, and never come back, then leave a letter behind to clear everything.. its getting bad.. just yesterday ard 11 plus, i laid that issue at the feet of the cross, i survived yesterday, made progress, but not dis morning. there is seriously sth wrong.. i'm neither here, nor there. there is seriously sth wrong wif me. it was not as easy to put down than what i had imagined.. sigh.. burdens.. no.. not burdens.. its juz fantacy. i muz stop "indulging" myself in such things. no, i am not indulging myself. they juz wont stop pestering me much as i resist it.. sheesh. this issue had better stop soon, or i'll end up not being able to study.. argh!!! i mustn't screw up my jc life. postings are out on tuesday. means i hafta lead worship on monday.. bleah.. heh.. its ok lar.. its good anyway.. but.. my jc life mustn't screw up.. hmmm.. how about changing to a new environment? mayb it'll b better.. argh!!! Lord, please help me and guide me.

i'm so dead.. why did you have to come and spoil this "plan" of mine. where am i to go now? definitely not THERE. no way man.. how??? argh!!

today went out wif peilin kelly emily huiqi siusing kiansoon yangwei n minghan.. suppose to b class outing.. but only 9 ppl out of 25 came. heh. quite a no of dem had ogls lar.. oh well.. went cycling.. but we took 403 n ended up at some weird part of e beach. near e playground.. n had to walk all e way back.. so e gals gave up n took bus instead. heh. den aft tat cycled for abt 2 hrs.. quite fun lar..

it was obvious wasn't it? yes it was. heh. oh well. who else could it be? overall, i muz say it was showing the strength of God in tat sense lar. u noe. e strength of e Holy Spirit allowing the people to speak up in that sense. oh well..

thanx for e reply. but i think i will keep my distance first? safer? i dunno lar.

i've cut my hair!!! heh.. its shorter now.. so i needa get a hairband. mayb tmr go shop for tat wif jess n abi. oh well.. tmr gg ot see my skin doc. changed e time.. i'm so glad.. now tat i am in jc.. i get to do so many things on my own.. usually i wont b allowed to go cut hair on my own, go see doc on my own.. etc.. now i can.. heh. least it shows tat she is letting go or sth.. hehe..

it felt like God saying to me : "Eunice, i did not forsake you. i am with you all these while, and i will give you empowerment to do my great works. i love you all the same. have faith in me." Praise God, for he will never forsake you, and he will always be there for you. when you seem in the moments that you are most down, he will be there to encourage you. to push you on.

i hope what happened is not a dream, but a reality.

screwed up life i haf dont i? ok. that was out of point. today was quite good.. e content at least. i was much clearer over most issues that pastor benny ho covered.. e only confusing part was the experience.. was sort of "thrown" into a sea of negative thoughts.. bleah. was attempting to "inject" the right thoughts.. spent 30 min in e music room playing.. so nice n calming. heh. mayb its cause deep down inside, i came for the wrong reason. or sth like tat.. aiya.. i dunno lar.. still very lost. e only time i find peace is when i'm alone with a keyboard/piano, singing. wif pple ard, i find myself very preoccupied.. so.. i shall do sth abt it.. haha.. soon lar.. lets say starting from synerg!z? we'll see..

small gorup conference for e past few days.. it was quite good. learnt alot out of it.. shant mention much here. no mood to type.. gonna copy notes later n practice for my keyboard lesson on a piano.. so ironical. but till mum buys me a keyboard, its gonna b so.. argh.. n itunes seems to b crashing on me.. its not getting the albums names down.. n tats irritating. cause i need e names etc.. argH!!! irritating.. later still haf small gorup conference. heh.. i feel like eating subway for lunch!!!haha.. shall see how wif jess later lar..

i feel a sudden enthusiasm to study.. hmm weird.. heh.. eh left school early for dental.. i've got pink bands now!!! hehe... eh.. saw alot of things to buy in J8.. shall go buy them one day.. heh.. woohoo.. i feel like shopping now.. ok.. tats weird cause i dun usually shop..

woohoo.. had a great!!! day wif my class today.. heh even though only afew of us went out.. but i had a fun time wif dem.. went for lunch first at the foodcourt wif quite a big grp.. den weiwen caroline zixiang n mingzhang went off first to go back go sch for cca.. den e rest of us went walking ard.. den fiona took neoprints.. but e guys din want some particuliar person.. so.. they spent alot of efforts shaking her off.. while i went to buy my jacket. so happy. .bought liao.. heh. den aft tat took neoprints.. hehe.. keyboard lesson was good as usual.. wooho!!!

screwed up life i am in man.. ok.. dad juz told me not to use e word screwed up.. its called messy.. or sth along tat line.. oh well.. yes.. another problem wif tat lady..screwed up rite.. ok. no messed up rite.. wadever.. i was quite irritated.. but talked to my dad for quite awhile den was ok liao.. oh sigh.. i hope all wld b alright. thank goodness i'm immuned to most of the scoldings n all.. so i'm surviving.. not as badly affected as i was last few times.. until i was like sms-ing crazily cause i was upset n all.. argh!!! nvm. life has to go on i guess...

i think sort of like confirm i'll stay.. after what pastor n e-lin said.. plus my dad was saying tat if i go den my sista how.. den plus tat silly incident as stated above, make me worry tat i go for e reason of escaping.. den muz consider my sista in tat case... like.. u noe lar.. so... i dunno.. shld b staying.. waiting to see wad Mrs Lai says abt it later.. if she remembers to call me man.. i think she has forgotten.. oh well. shall talk to her later n see how.. oh ya.. still got the qt materials.. rather.. masterlife. day 1 talks about "praying about what God wants" such a coincidental.. oh well.. yes yes.. proverbs 3:5-6 i feel like a kid.. hehe.. e song lar..

argh!!! ok. now its like 50% i'll b gg over. 50% i won't. argh!!! a very tough choice. help me!!! i'm so tempted to juz say yes. but den again, i haf like frenz.. n all.. argh!!!

argh.. i hate it when my guards are the lowest.. den i get very confused/hurt over everything that is happening. that is one reason why i think going away is the best. free from everything. but i'm so worried when i come back, everything wld juz hit me like that in the face.. argh!!! irritating. sigh.. some things are just so difficult to put down. much as i want to, i need to. seriously, i desperately need to put things down. if not, my life is screwed. why do i always look at things that are so impossible.. sometimes, i feel like the 2nd sister in the 9pm channel 8 chinese show.. oh sigh.. ok better stop relating myself to shows.. juz too many.. n each time, its not sth good.. argh! ok.. i nv have good opinion on myself.. tats one thing for sure..

today went to "swim" wif my class.. not e china swimming.. but the english one.. the POOL was great... went wif my class.. quite fun lar.. 2nd time.. heh first time wif og.. gooodnes.. siusing is like expert can.. oh yes.. n very particular tat e yellow ball muz b at e top.. oh yes.. we went to jalan kayu first after school for roti prata.. n e guy was so irritating.. keep hearing the wrong order. total of 1 extra drink, 1 extra plain prata n 2 extra egg prata.. sheesh.. good thing we still can finish.. so rite.. taking from pasir ris towards north-east singapore as positive, our displacement was negative. from edge pasir ris, to jalan kayu, back to pasir ris, but dis rd is to the futher end of pasir ris.. heh.. so its negative displacement..

ok.. i feel super off now.. in no mood to do anything due to the first para stuff.. argh!!! i'm oso worrying abt jc.. dun think can get back into mjc.. so.. i shall appeal.. bleah. some pple r juz getting the worse frm me now.. oh well.. juz your luck. sorry guys. rather. guy. its nth much actually.. hehe.. quite interesting actually if u think abt it. ok i'm not talkin sense..

oh sigh.. my eyes r dying from using e com day n nite.. juz printed out my jae.. finally!!! oh well.. apparently, tkgs english also screwed up.. called yak juz now to inform her abt it.. heh news sure spread fast..

tmr prata wif class. heh fun.

australia? parents still hunting.. oh well..

went to idp today wif hb n her mum n dad.. hmm western aust seems nice.. hmm.. k k tats out of point for the moment. besides e pt tat cheryl n claire is dere.. heh.. i got like a chinese essay to rush out can.. bleah.. disgusting lar.. simply disgusting.. argh!!! i completely forgot abt it till i was at huibing's hse.. heh... k k shall go attempt to do it now..

eunice is very screwed up.. oh well.. nvm.. am i living in self-denial??? hmmm... weird.. i dunno.. extreme "thoughts swings" today. one moment abt my results, one moment juz nth on my mind cause i was out wif soo ling n hb. can sense that sooling was trying to keep me company so my mind wont wonder off to sth else.. heh.. thanx gal.

mum suddenly had the idea of me going overseas. juz a thought.. tmr gg down to idp to find out more. i may juz stay in s'pore in mjc if i can get in.. but may juz go overseas too. heh. i dunno lar. see how. pray abt it, ask abt it, listen to others abt it too.. which ever.. oh well..

today went to school to appeal for my english results to be reviewed.. dere were tonnes of pple appealing too.. good thing Mrs Wang wrote something nice for me. hope i get an improved grade. my score is juz NOT acceptable.